I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
