i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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