Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
