I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm getting married
To pizza
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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