she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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