im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
