What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
