When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
