there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
