You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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