I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter