I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.