my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was like eating out sand paper
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
