glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
