It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
