if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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