not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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