Moan for me like Helen Keller
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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