Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
