If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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