Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
