i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
