Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i now understand why vodka
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
