I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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