he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
