Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
