Are we in a gay sports bar?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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