Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
