I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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