do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
