I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
