Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
