I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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