Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
