Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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