I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
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You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize