I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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