I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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