That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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