oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
