Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
