hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
