nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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