Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I could make wine with my vomit
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
