My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
