Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
