I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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