I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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