I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
