FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
