Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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