We won't sleep together?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
