Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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