my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
