Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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