you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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