My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
