Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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