No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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